So I had been talking to one guy who seemed kind of like a douchebag the whole night. And he didn't seem all that into me, to be honest, but he did continue to talk to me. I wasn't particularly into HIM, but I tend to panic if a guy doesn't completely want to do me, so I was trying to bring up things that might get him to think I was the coolest ever.
"I'm taking the LSAT soon" ....silence
"I want to be a human rights lawyer" ....he told me that was a naive aspiration at best
"I write my own music"...he responded with a less than enthused "cool"
"I pulled a 4.0 this semester in all 300 level classes"..."College is lame"
Wow. Okay, Mr. Man. So finally I just stopped talking, and he asks if I want anything to drink (maybe he thought I'd be more 'impressive' when drunk). So he gets a round of whiskey shots, and we all slam them down. Now whiskey is what I plan on nursing my children with, so I took it effortlessly, chaser free, without flinching.
And then the earth shook. Mr. Man finally broke some emotion, "THAT WAS INCREDIBLE!!! The way you just took that shot! Damn you are GOOD" Then he bought me another whiskey shot, and praised me as I slammed it down with the grace of a Russian ballet dancer. He even pulled aside one of his friends to witness the phenomenon that is a girl who can slam whiskey.
I finally began to understand Mr. Man, so I tried some new lines as an experiment.
"People say I look like a porn star"... "SO COOL YOU DO THAT IS SO HOT"
"I also love tequila! teehee".... "Yeah tequila is sooo sexy, I'm getting you tequila next!"
Wow. See, this is my problem, and why guys aren't that into me lately. I try to take the "I'm intelligent and ambitious" approach, when really what they are innately attracted to is the "I'm a slutty alcoholic" approach. And I AM a slutty alcoholic, but I am also intelligent and ambitious! I have been mistakenly highlighting the wrong aspects of myself for quite some time now. Apparently law school is less impressive than the fact that I drink so fucking often I can't even taste liquor anymore.
I am going to just flat out draw this conclusion: society values the wrong things. Yeah. Do you need more evidence? Tila Tequila is famous. Over half of Americans don't know where Iraq is on a map. More people vote on American Idol than in presidential elections. FOR GOD'S SAKE TILA TEQUILA IS FAMOUS. So I guess it's "hot" that I have porno hair and drink like a sailor, but unappealing that I am well read and witty. Awesome. I'm just going to go lobotomize myself right now.
At any rate, since last night I have spent a long time mulling over whether or not I should adopt an alter ego named Kandy: she is a PR major, loves Taylor Swift, and just wants to dance. Kandy would get laid about 70% more than I do. And Kandy can go to hell.
Unamusing and unamused,